This was originally posted as a note on Facebook.. It's some of my early blog-style work. If you have a good 10 minutes, go ahead and indulge.
1. Do not facebook stalk only one individual. Vary your stalking between gender, school and even race where possible.
2. Do not limit yourself to only your friends. Friends of friends are also acceptable, as well as total strangers if you become a professionalised facebook stalker.
3. Take plenty of time to stalk. This sport cannot be rushed.
4. Do not decide who to stalk based only on the display picture of that person. Often, girls especially, look nothing like their dp and therefore, false advertising lures in the stalker. This leads to severe disappointment when the stalkee is actually rank. Beware.
5. Do not comment or like any photos. This goes particularly for when a photo is in the middle of an album. You must be untracable, and you don't want to ignite an awkward flame for when you next see each other in person.
6. When jumping from one profile to another using links, always right click the name and select 'open in new tab'. This way, if the person is boring, you can go back to the original profile and continue your search down their wall.
7. Where possible, tell friends via chat that you are 'just fb stalking atm.' This will make them think you're having a laugh, and you will not be under speculation.
8. Do not text cellphone numbers on anyone's page. That is just creepy.
9. If in mid-stalk you realise you know your victim from school or work, feel free to add them as a friend. However, only do so after a thorough stalk-check has been carried out and you are sure that you wish to reconnect with that person.
10. When stalking general people (not close friends) who you see on a regular basis, try not to take any mental note of the funny things that they say on their wall. If you refer to that humrous quotation in conversation, they will know you have been stalking. This is not something you want.
11. If you find yourself looking at the same person's profile daily, limit yourself to one hit a week. There is a difference between light stalking and obsessing.
12. If you feel it necessary, delete your browsing history after a stalk session.
13. Resist the urge to comment on lame statuses.
14. If you find funny a group that your stalk victim has 'liked', feel free to like it. However, be sure not to like the fact that they liked it. This is a rookie mistake.
15. Remember to check the live feed before beginning a session. This way, you can surf to see if anything catches your eye from your actual fb friends. Go from there!
16. If you discover that a total stranger has a friend in common with you, do NOT ask that friend how they know that hottie 'Brian'. This could make things awkward, and render your motives questionable.
17. If you're wanting to see what a person looks like, do not click on their picture. This will show their profile pictures, the best of the best pictures that they have of themselves.
18. Look through the 'photos of____' folder. In these pictures, you can see what the person truly looks like. The photos will have been taken when the stalkee was unprepared and caught offguard.
19. Also handily found in the 'photos of _____' folder are the friendship tag photos. In these photos, there are titles such as 'social butterfly' and 'the lame one'. This picture will tell you about the stalk victim's personality and how others see them. If the person is tagged as 'the playa' then you'll know to avoid at all costs.
20. Unless you know the person, it is pointless looking through albums named 'BACK IN THE DAY' and such. You don't want to know who you would have been dealing with 5 years ago. You want to know who they are NOW.
21. Always look at the family photo album on a person's profile. By stalking this album, you can evaluate the decency of the person's gene pool, therefore deciding further if your kids will be hotties or notties.
22. When stalking a guy, look at his friends list and decide if the majority of his fb friends are guys or girls that look like smokers. If they're mostly guys, he loves his boys and likes to have a good time socially. If they're uggs chicks with tattoos, he loves his women Amy Winehouse-esque and you're not the one for him.
23. When stalking a girl, scroll through her statuses. If they say mainly 'I hate my life' and 'kill me, someone' then best leave her alone. If they're bubbly and cute, continue the prowl.
24. Check 'likes in common' with your stalkee. If there are over 10, there may be some potential chemistry. If there are less than 2, don't bother.
25. Be aware of girls/guys who are friends with both of their parents on fb. Their decision to be fb friends with their oldies can mean one of two things: they were hacked, or they have a loving family. Numero two is GOOOOD.
26. People who have a massive list of brothers and sisters who are clearly not their siblings because it is motherly impossible, are either attention seeking brats, or popular attention seeking brats. Steer clear, big Tuna. Head for open waters.
27. People who are clearly on fb a lot either have no life or not much of one. They can be good cyber pals because of their dedication to the site.
28. If a person has more than an average of 6 likes on any status or shared link, they are easy to get along with.
29. Never add a personal message to friend invites if you were stalking them. Just hope for the best.
30. Don't accept friend requests if the person has been stalking you. You can tell this because they have added a personal message like 'Hey, saw you on here and thought you were a piece of alright'. AWKWARD MUCH.
1. Do not facebook stalk only one individual. Vary your stalking between gender, school and even race where possible.
2. Do not limit yourself to only your friends. Friends of friends are also acceptable, as well as total strangers if you become a professionalised facebook stalker.
3. Take plenty of time to stalk. This sport cannot be rushed.
4. Do not decide who to stalk based only on the display picture of that person. Often, girls especially, look nothing like their dp and therefore, false advertising lures in the stalker. This leads to severe disappointment when the stalkee is actually rank. Beware.
5. Do not comment or like any photos. This goes particularly for when a photo is in the middle of an album. You must be untracable, and you don't want to ignite an awkward flame for when you next see each other in person.
6. When jumping from one profile to another using links, always right click the name and select 'open in new tab'. This way, if the person is boring, you can go back to the original profile and continue your search down their wall.
7. Where possible, tell friends via chat that you are 'just fb stalking atm.' This will make them think you're having a laugh, and you will not be under speculation.
8. Do not text cellphone numbers on anyone's page. That is just creepy.
9. If in mid-stalk you realise you know your victim from school or work, feel free to add them as a friend. However, only do so after a thorough stalk-check has been carried out and you are sure that you wish to reconnect with that person.
10. When stalking general people (not close friends) who you see on a regular basis, try not to take any mental note of the funny things that they say on their wall. If you refer to that humrous quotation in conversation, they will know you have been stalking. This is not something you want.
11. If you find yourself looking at the same person's profile daily, limit yourself to one hit a week. There is a difference between light stalking and obsessing.
12. If you feel it necessary, delete your browsing history after a stalk session.
13. Resist the urge to comment on lame statuses.
14. If you find funny a group that your stalk victim has 'liked', feel free to like it. However, be sure not to like the fact that they liked it. This is a rookie mistake.
15. Remember to check the live feed before beginning a session. This way, you can surf to see if anything catches your eye from your actual fb friends. Go from there!
16. If you discover that a total stranger has a friend in common with you, do NOT ask that friend how they know that hottie 'Brian'. This could make things awkward, and render your motives questionable.
17. If you're wanting to see what a person looks like, do not click on their picture. This will show their profile pictures, the best of the best pictures that they have of themselves.
18. Look through the 'photos of____' folder. In these pictures, you can see what the person truly looks like. The photos will have been taken when the stalkee was unprepared and caught offguard.
19. Also handily found in the 'photos of _____' folder are the friendship tag photos. In these photos, there are titles such as 'social butterfly' and 'the lame one'. This picture will tell you about the stalk victim's personality and how others see them. If the person is tagged as 'the playa' then you'll know to avoid at all costs.
20. Unless you know the person, it is pointless looking through albums named 'BACK IN THE DAY' and such. You don't want to know who you would have been dealing with 5 years ago. You want to know who they are NOW.
21. Always look at the family photo album on a person's profile. By stalking this album, you can evaluate the decency of the person's gene pool, therefore deciding further if your kids will be hotties or notties.
22. When stalking a guy, look at his friends list and decide if the majority of his fb friends are guys or girls that look like smokers. If they're mostly guys, he loves his boys and likes to have a good time socially. If they're uggs chicks with tattoos, he loves his women Amy Winehouse-esque and you're not the one for him.
23. When stalking a girl, scroll through her statuses. If they say mainly 'I hate my life' and 'kill me, someone' then best leave her alone. If they're bubbly and cute, continue the prowl.
24. Check 'likes in common' with your stalkee. If there are over 10, there may be some potential chemistry. If there are less than 2, don't bother.
25. Be aware of girls/guys who are friends with both of their parents on fb. Their decision to be fb friends with their oldies can mean one of two things: they were hacked, or they have a loving family. Numero two is GOOOOD.
26. People who have a massive list of brothers and sisters who are clearly not their siblings because it is motherly impossible, are either attention seeking brats, or popular attention seeking brats. Steer clear, big Tuna. Head for open waters.
27. People who are clearly on fb a lot either have no life or not much of one. They can be good cyber pals because of their dedication to the site.
28. If a person has more than an average of 6 likes on any status or shared link, they are easy to get along with.
29. Never add a personal message to friend invites if you were stalking them. Just hope for the best.
30. Don't accept friend requests if the person has been stalking you. You can tell this because they have added a personal message like 'Hey, saw you on here and thought you were a piece of alright'. AWKWARD MUCH.
No comments:
Post a Comment